PROBLEM: The system seems beyond our control! Mom and I are trying desperately to find a back up place for Dad to live, as we have a sneaking suspicion that his Assisted Living Community is about to tell us that he can no longer live there after his recent bouts with violence.
SOLUTION:
Plan ahead. Even though we aren’t sure yet if Dad will or won’t be welcomed back to his assisted living community, Mom and I are planning ahead. We always try to come up with at least two contingency plans because as we’ve learned often times your backup plan needs a backup plan!
Partner with Someone. My mom and I took the problem on together. As a team, we were able to call twice as many people, plus we individually toured assisted living homes to speed up the process, only bothering to call the other person if the place was worth seeing. Also, in the middle of an emotional crisis, you don’t always hear and retain all the information you gather so two heads are better than one. Plus, when I’m feeling beat or angry, she pulls me up – and vice versa. A buddy system is a beautiful thing!
Geriatric Care Manager. Also known as Care Advocate/Senior Care Expert/Care Consultant, I highly recommend this role for hire if you can afford it. We chose NOT to go this route and ended up regretting it terribly. Care Managers are designed to hold your hand throughout the illness and guide you, helping you plan ahead and handling crises as they arise. They are knowledgeable about which homes in your area are best suited for your situation and about other detailed minutia that is impossible for everyone to know. Visit http://www.caremanager.org/ to find an accredited NAPGCM professional in your geographic area.
Nowhere to Live – VIDEO TRANSCRIPTION
Joleen: Um, we met with Dr. Parris for a full hour this morning. He said they haven’t successfully been able to find the proper combination of medications to bring his violence under control. He still is lashing out at least every four days. And he mentioned perhaps a frontal temporal (lobe) dementia and maybe in addition to Alzheimer’s or instead of Alzheimer’s. He said he just isn’t processing and he’s degenerating very quickly which is very surprising. In just the last 5-6 months he’s just unrecognizable. Um, so they said that their only hope is to drug him up so much that he can’t do anything let along be violent so that some home will take him back.
Assisted Living rep: Hi, how are you, Fran?
Fran: I’m hanging in there. What’s up?
Assisted Living rep: Well, I wanted just to speak with you. I did speak with Dr. Parris several times this week, and we did go and see Frank a couple times also.
Fran: Uh huh.
Assisted Living rep: And at this time, you know, taking into consideration Dr. Parris’ opinion and certainly our experience, I don’t think he’s going to be able to come back.
Fran: Okay, that’s what I was expecting.
Assisted Living rep: Yeah, and I, it’s with a very heavy heart that I say that, but with speaking with Dr. Parris he just has real concerns that they haven’t been able to find something to make his behavior more predictable.
Fran: Right, right, I understand. Well, I will come over sometime this weekend hopefully and clear his stuff out.
Assisted Living rep: Okay.
Fran: All right.
Assisted Living rep: All right. I’m very sorry, Fran.
Fran: Okay. Well, I understand.
Assisted Living rep: All right. Thank you.
Fran: All right. Thanks. Okay. Bye bye. [hangs up] (sighs)
Joleen: All right, well, all of this, you know, Don’t worry about it, we’ll get his meds under control, he’ll be able to go somewhere, at this point it doesn’t look like any body’s prepared to take him. (sigh) I don’t understand what the system expects us to do now. I am going to go clean my dad’s room out at Sunrise since they just basically kicked him out. So they’re telling me that there’s millions of people in this country that are dealing with the same thing with Alzhheimer’s. So out of millions there must be thousands and tens of thousands dealing with our shit of getting kicked out and things. What do these people do? I have to go online to find out. It’s unbelievable. (sigh) My God. Three years of frickin’ research out the window. Now where’s he gonna live? (sigh) There has to be a better answer. There has to be an answer for people like us. (sigh) There’s gotta be a place in this country for us to go. There’s gotta be a place for my father to go. (sigh) God, this system sucks.
